Old Birds
by Xazz
Summary: -DISCONTINUED- Altair is a grumpy old war vet who probably loves his lawn a little to much, luckily he loves his grandchildren just as much.
1. Lawns and Old People

This is one of those fics where I really wonder just wtf am I doing here and why am I writing this. Based off a kinkmeme prompt (as are all my AC fanfics) asking for... well... old man Altair and his grandkids

* * *

"Grandpa, we're here!" Desmond called as he opened the door, Ezio behind him looked like he loathed to be there; even if it was all just an act. There was no answer. "Grandpa?"

"Think he's dead?" Ezio asked shoving past his younger brother and entering a room that looked like they'd stepped into the nineteen fifties; complete with terrible furniture. "You know he's been off his rocker since grandma died-

"He isn't dead," Desmond said sourly.

"GOD DAMNIT!"

"Told you," Desmond grinned as they heard what was very obviously their grandfather yelling and then swearing obscenely in Arabic.

"Wonderful," Ezio made a face.

"You don't have to pretend you don't like him you know," Desmond trotted deeper into the house relieving himself of his backpack on one of the prehistoric couches along the way.

"He's always threatening to cut my hair," Ezio whined but followed Desmond's example.

"Grandpa, we're here," Desmond called again as he opened the sliding glass door to the back deck. There the old Syrian and ex Vietnam war vet was fuming over something or another in his giant back yard (he had a giant front yard too but that was an entirely different nightmare).

"What?" the old man turned to them both, "What the hell are you two doing here?" his voice was heavily accented from living in Syria for most of his youthful years before his parents had moved to America.

"Mom said she was dropping us off, remember?" Desmond asked and Altair squinted at them.

"Yeah, I remember," he stopped squinting long enough to put on his glasses as he walked over to them, very obviously he couldn't remember exactly _which_ grandchildren they were; he had quite a few. His eyes were soft when he looked at Desmond but as soon as they hit Ezio he just looked annoyed, "I thought you said you cut your hair boy," he snapped.

Ezio sighed, it was a long _long _running argument between the seventeen year old and the senior citizen about the length of Ezio's hair; which now was longer than his shoulder. "I did grandpa, it grew back though."

"No respectable young man has long hair," Altair said sternly.

"Its the two-thousands gramps, lots of guys have long hair," Ezio frowned deeply and shoved his hands into his pockets, Desmond could practically recite this part of the argument in his sleep.

"Why were you yelling?" Desmond cut in before they could get into a yelling match, which always inevitably ended up in Altair brandishing a pair of garden clippers far to close to Ezio's neck to be comfortable. "Earlier I mean," he added.

"It's that damn Malik," Altair growled and looked next door to another house with an equally giant front and back yard, also immaculately kept in every way. "He sabotaged my grass," and he shook a withered fist at the other house.

"Oh?" Desmond rose his brows and sounded interested, Ezio just rolled his eyes at him.

"Last week it was perfect and now what do I find? WEEDS!" he yelled and glared at the other house in pure disgust.

"What the hell are you yelling at now novice," a window opened and both young men sighed when the yelling match began. The two always tried their hardest to never get along _ever_, even though both Desmond and Ezio had seen pictures of them on Altair's mantle back during the war looking like they'd been best friends. And more than once the brothers had found the two in one of their backyards playing chess, not even bickering at all.

"How about we go inside before you burst a blood vessel gramps," Ezio suggested and easily steered the old man back inside, Desmond shut the sliding glass door behind them as Altair muttered darkly in Arabic and shuffled away.

Desmond knew this was going to be a _long_ stay over visit.


	2. Lunch and Keeping Secretes

What the hell am I doing? Why am I writing more of this?

Oh that's right, cause this is like one of my favorite AUs ever. This is going to be a fic filled with nothing more then shenanigans, probably. I need some funny in my life!

Desmond is 13  
Ezio is 17  
Federico, Claudia and Petruccio are 19, 14 and 6 respectivly.

Desmond also IS an Auditore, he's just adopted. Yes; he's one of _those_ kids XD

* * *

Desmond eyed his plate, pretty sure it was only recently dead. He liked Natasha and her cooking well enough. Just sometimes… it was gross.

Was that blood?

Ezio didn't have any problem with the food though and wolfed it down without complaint and Desmond was pretty sure he wasn't tasting the food either. Maybe that was the way to eat this stuff though.

"Aren't you hungry Desmond?" Natasha asked him kindly. He plastered a grin on his face and gave it to her. Natasha was Malik's wife and a very nice woman with gray and brown hair. She was also a good cook, which was good otherwise Desmond and Ezio would never eat when they visited Altair's since the old man only ate foods that were over nine thousand on the spicy scale.

"Ah, not really," he said sheepishly looking at the dish again. Maybe he should become a vegetarian.

Natasha frowned but Ezio piped up, "I'll eat it," and snatched Desmond's plate before he could stop him. Maybe Ezio really did like whatever it was Natasha had made. It was hard to tell though since his two older brothers just ate any food shoved into their faces like it was the last meal they'd ever have. He couldn't understand how Ezio or Federico could eat so much and stay so thin at the same time.

"Would you like something else then?" Natasha pulled Desmond's attention away from the scene that was Ezio eating.

"Uh-

"Come, we'll see what else is in the kitchen," and she took Desmond's hand.

"Thanks for the lunch Ms. Natasha," Ezio proclaimed as he finished and got up quickly after reading a text on his htc Hero.

"Was that Leo?" Desmond asked.

"None of your business twerp," Ezio said running his dishes into the kitchen and giving Natasha a peck on the cheek making her smile.

"Better not let grandpa see you," Desmond said in a sing song voice.

"Better keep your mouth shut," Ezio threatened and grabbed Desmond hard by the cheek before giving him a light smack. Desmond just gave him a scowl before he was out the room and the house.

"Leo is Ezio's friend?" Natasha asked.

"Eh… yeah," Desmond said after a few seconds.

"Oh how lovely," she twittered, "Now then Desmond what would you like for lunch?" she asked and moved about the modernized kitchen. The entire kitchen was decked out in chrome and pale wooden cabinets. Desmond always thought old people looked really strange when they were surrounded by modern technology. But Natasha moved about her kitchen with expert grace.

"Uhm, I'm fine really Ms. Natasha," he said, he kinda wanted to go, if only to make sure Altair didn't see Leo and freak out. Which… he would.

Speaking of.

There was yelling angrily in Arabic from the backyard. "Are they at it again?" Natasha sighed and leaned out the window to watch Malik and Altair bickering, Desmond stood up on his tip toes to see around her and into the back yard where the two old Syrians were standing nose to nose yelling and gesturing wildly at one another. It almost came to fisticuffs (which Desmond would have liked to see) when Altair pushed Malik. But before that could happen Natasha yelled at both of them in Arabic, causing them both to turn to her, look guilty and slink away from each other sulking.

Desmond loved Natasha for her food and because she could put up with those two. She was like Wonder Woman or something since no woman on earth should have that sort of patience and not be a saint or a super hero. He smiled brightly at her when she turned back to him and she just offered him a tired smile and a sigh as if to say 'oh those two.'

"How about a grilled cheese Desmond?" she asked, he nodded enthusiastically and went to grab the materials out the fridge which Natasha laughed at. Desmond couldn't help it; Natasha made the best grilled cheese sandwiches Desmond had ever had!

* * *

Leo gets to come in next chapter... Altair won't like that -shot-


	3. Lies and Cell Phones

Desmond sat on the front porch of Altair's house. There wasn't much to do inside after all since there was no TV, or computer. So he'd settled for playing on his phone and was furiously texting Shaun. He didn't know why he was actually friends with the guy. It was probably because of Becca and Lucy, they were friends with him and Shaun so he was friends with Shaun. Didn't mean the guy wasn't a prick and more then once he'd wanted to punch the foreign kid right in the face for being such a shmuck about everything and everyone that wasn't British. Right now he was trying to convince Shaun it wasn't his fault he wasn't home to work on their science project and that he really was at his grandfather's and not playing CoD like Shaun was accusing him of.

He thankfully got distracted when another text popped up on his phone. It was from Becca. She was _freaking out_ about something that had happened with her PS3. It was only on the third read through and having to figure out what all the alternative symbols meant did Desmond realize that Becca's poor jail broken machine had died because she'd found (to his total horror) _roaches_ in it. He sent back the appropriate disgust filled message and got a text back immediately asking if she could come over to play on his.

So then he had to convince two people he really wasn't home and wouldn't be until Monday. Neither of them believed him and he finally gave up and just put the phone aside elbows on his knees. Stupid Shaun had ruined his mood and reading Becca's "l33t" speak filled texts had given him a headache.

Oh god; now here came a headache he didn't want to deal with.

A car pulled up to the curb in front of Altair's curb, almost hitting one of the garbage cans. It was a half destroyed Volkswagon Bug strait from the sixties, original blue paint job that was starting to flake off and peel and everything. Desmond didn't even know how the thing was still running. He'd seen the inside of it once and it was cluttered and messy with papers and notebooks _everywhere_. In the driver's seat he could see a blonde haired man bobbing to the beat of the music that thankfully was to quiet for Desmond to hear since he always listened to weird Italian pop music.

Not five seconds after the Bug pulled up then the door opened and Desmond had to quickly snatch his phone off the porch before Ezio trampled it like the idiot he was. "Watch it big foot!" he yelled after his brother.

"Don't be in the way twerp," Ezio called over his shoulder. "Tell gramps I'll be back later," he added.

"You tell him," he said smugly.

Ezio had already opened the door and leaned against it giving his brother a sour look. "Just do me a fave Des," he said.

"Maybe," Desmond smirked.

"Tell gramps and I'll... " he paused, thinking, which probably took to long since Desmond was pretty sure Ezio's head was filled with little beyond air, cotton and pictures of Leo at all times. He could hear the Italian pop music in the distance before Ezio said, "I'll show you how to a back flip," he said. Damnit. Ezio knew Desmond was a sucker for the parkour, which Maria and Giovanni were specifically against Desmond learning after first Federico then Ezio had taken up. They were against it since both sons had broken at least three bones the first year they'd been doing it.

Desmond made a face, "Fine," he huffed.

"Thanks," he called, waves and slid into the old ass Bug. Desmond made another face in Ezio's general direction when he leaned over and kissed Leo. Ezio just flipped him off before the Bug sputtered and pulled away from the curb.

* * *

Desmond's leg bounced up and down watching Altair and Malik (who weren't fighting (yet)) as they played chess.

Now, watching the old men play chess was probably the funnest part of a trip to Altair's in Desmond's opinion. Because, much like their grass and plants, the two seniors took it _way_ to seriously. Hell it was just fun to watch the serious looks on their faces when they stared over the board trying to figure out how to properly screw the other over. Usually Malik won too since Altair was anything but a patient man and Malik would just wait till he was losing, then take forever between his turn starting and actually moving a piece. Eventually Altair would get irritated by how slow the game was going and (inevitably) flip the table.

That hadn't happened yet. Desmond was just waiting though since it would happen soon. He knew because Malik's turns were starting to take longer and Altair's leg was starting to jiggle.

"Desmond," Altair's gruff accented voice cut through his musings.

"Yeah?" he asked.

"Where's that brother of yours?" he shot a look at the boy, from behind his glasses his amber eyes were even bigger and hawk-like.

"He uh... left," he said awkwardly.

"Left? With who?" he demanded, damnit now he wouldn't get to see the old man totally over react to Malik's slow chess playing skills. He'd still get to see him over react, just probably not in a good way.

"A friend, they came and picked him up," he said helplessly shrugging.

"When-

"It's your turn idiot," Malik reached across the chess board and smacked Altair.

"Shut up you old man," Altair shot right back and angrily shoved his rook across the board to snatch up a pawn, barely looking at the board.

"Like half an hour ago," Desmond answered his question anyway.

Altair frowned, "He's supposed to tell me when he leaves," said his grandfather. Desmond fiddled with his phone, not looking up. He was _not_ taking the heat from their crazy grandfather just because Ezio was a flake, parkour or no. "Did he say when he'd be back?"

"Your turn," Malik interrupted. Altair ignored him.

"No," he said slowly drawing out the word.

Altair didn't look pleased about that. "You call him up right now. I want to talk to him," Desmond knew that would be very _very_ bad. But he didn't argue the point, one because his grandfather had already turned away and two because if Ezio was going to get yelled at he didn't want to be the one for the old man to warm up on. While Desmond brought up Ezio's number (and had to call three times before his brother picked up (he really didn't want to think to hard as to _why_ that was either)) Altair and Malik finished their game, Malik clearly capitalizing on the fact that now Altair was anxious and irritably to take his time in making his moves.

"What do you want twerp?" was the first thing out of Ezio's mouth over the speaker.

"You might want to save yourself the verbal abuse and just tell Leo to bring you home now," Desmond said softly, cupping his face away from the two chess players. He didn't particularly like getting his brothers in trouble. But that didn't mean he stopped them from getting into trouble all on their own.

"Didn't you tell gramps I was leaving for a while?"

"Yeah, I did. But he's all pissed you left without saying anything to him. At least I think he's pissed, he wants to talk to you," he added.

"Great-

"Also he's about to lose to Malik in chess..."

"Throwing me to the wolves aren't you twerp?"

"It isn't my fault okay? You still owe me the back flip lesson," he added.

"Desmond," Altair's voice called his attention back to front, he grinned drumbly at the old man. "Is that Ezio?"

"Don't say I didn't warn you," he told Ezio nodding and got up giving Altair the phone. The chess game wasn't over yet but from what Desmond could tell Malik was actually about the win.

"Check mate," Malik said after Altair made his last move, Altair just swore at him in Arabic making Malik laugh before he got up, now in even more of a bad mood then before. The old man walked away talking into the phone. There actually wasn't any yelling-

Oh no wait, now there was. Half the words were coming out in Arabic, which was fine since Ezio knew how to speak it since after Grandma Maria had died Altair had refused to speak English for about three years. So everyone had had to learn Arabic, well except Petruccio obviously since he was only like three months old, Claudia had just been old enough to have to go through it though when it happened. That didn't mean that Desmond couldn't pick up a few words though. He wasn't that mad either, you knew when grandpa was mad because he started swearing in Vietnamese since half their swear words sounded like knives and usually meant utterly disgusting things. But he wasn't doing that yet, he was just speaking... yelling, in broken English, the other half subsidized in Arabic.

"Desmond," Malik drew his attention away from the crazy old man. "Would you help me with this?" he asked nodded at the chess board (which hadn't been flipped).

"Ah, sure Mr. A-sayf," Desmond said and helped the old man pick up the chess board. Malik only had one arm, and he actually liked to tell the story why it was gone, if only to thuroughly freak Desmond out. He'd stepped on a land mine during the war and... Desmond didn't want to think about all the graphic details Malik usually put in since they made him queasy. He heard something distantly about Altair doing something _terrible_ to his brother and looked worried.

"Your brother will be fine. Not like that old bird isn't more bark then bite," Malik told him noting the distress on his face.

"I'm worried about my phone," Desmond said pointedly and Malik laughed, patted his shoulder before taking himself and his chess board back over to his house.

"Desmond!" Altair yelled startling the kid.

"Yeah grandpa?" he called back.

"How do you make this infernal thing work?" Altair stomped over to him holding out the EVO looking all sorts of irritated.

"What happened?"

"Your stupid brother hung up on me," Altair said.

"Well you were yelling at him," Desmond said and carefully took back the phone, grateful it wasn't broken.

"For being an idiot," Altair told him with such conviction that Desmond agreed, that that he already didn't think Ezio was a bit of an idiot but that was besides the point.

Ezio actually picked up on the first ring but Desmond acted like it was voicemail, he really didn't want more fighting. "Hey Ez, it's Desmond, grandpa's all pissed you hung up on him and he's giving me the evil eye right now-

"Desmond I'm here-

"I know you're probably busy having fun with Leo right now," he carried on as if his brother hadn't spoken. "But I'm _just sayin_' it'd probably be a good idea if you came back sooner rather then later. That's it; bye," and he hung up. He shrugged at his grandfather who really was giving him the evil eye, "He turned his phone off," he said helplessly. Altair just muttered under his breath.


	4. Losers and Playing Shit

Dear Reader, if you're reading this then I love you. You're the reason I write and the reason I keep updating. Because of this I've updated all my stories today, including ones I haven't looked at in a while. So if you've been waiting for new chapters, they're here. I hope you all enjoy them.

* * *

Desmond had decided he wasn't good at Backgammon. Despite Altair's efforts he was just terrible at the game. It wasn't a hard game at all but there was a different degree of difficulty to it that just made Desmond get annoyed by it very easily. At least it distracted Altair from the fact that Ezio still hadn't made an appearance from Desmond calling him an hour ago. That wasn't good but it was better to keep the old man occupied then to not really. Desmond didn't know exactly what his grandfather would think of the fact that Ezio had a boyfriend, one who was older than him at that, and was getting a "Mickey Mouse" degree in art.

He figured it wouldn't be exactly pleasant though since the old Syrian was very traditional, Maria had been too at that, so it wasn't unlikely he'd react badly. It was why Desmond wished Ezio hadn't left in the first place. They only saw Altair once every few months, it wasn't _that _bad that he needed to go find other things to do. Sure it was a little boring, Altair didn't even have a TV anymore since when it had broken he'd just never replaced it. He preferred being outside to staying cooped up indoors. It was why his lawn and backyard were so nice and why they were playing outside on the front porch.

Of course it could also be that Altair wanted to be outside when Ezio finally did come home so that he could give him a good piece of his mind.

Desmond frowned at the backgammon board drawing his brows down over his eyes in concentration till he finally moved one of his red pieces to join a growing tower on his side leaving one all alone. It wasn't a smart move, but neither was any other really and Altair needed to roll a three to capture his piece. That or a one and a two. Desmond gnawed his lower lip when his grandfather rolled his set of dice.

He couldn't help it, he threw his arms up and swore. Altair laughed at him as he moved one of his black pieces three places and captured Desmond's little disc. At least around Altair Desmond could swear as much as he wanted, his parents didn't allow it but since the old man had a simply horrid mouth he didn't mind others (even his grandkids) swearing in his presence.

"Better luck next time Desmond," Altair grinned at him moving his piece to safety. Desmond gave an annoyed whine and tried to roll out of the capture. But he failed, hard and pouted at his grandfather who just laughed again. About ten minutes later Altair had won, of course he would, and Desmond was practically sulking. He hated being bad at games since it was the only thing he was good at: games, puzzles and sports and not much else; it kinda sucked. "I bet you'd do better against Ezio, you know he can't play for shit," Altair reminded him.

"He just sucks at games, of course he'd lose," Desmond said matter-of-factly.

"Where is that loser anyways?" Altair squinted at the road from behind his this glasses as if Ezio would just _magically_ appear.

"Being a loser somewhere not here," Desmond said and Altair chuckled dryly.

"Want to play something else then?"

"Something I'm good at!" Desmond proclaimed. Altair just smirked.

"Of course," and he ruffled Desmond's hair. "How about Shit? You remember how to play that right?"

"Hell yeah!"

"Go get the cards," Altair said packing up the backgammon board and Desmond scrambled from his seat on the patio chair and into the house to the living room where he threw open the chest where Altair kept all the numerous amount of board games he'd collected over the years. There were some downright weird ones too and a bunch Desmond had never even heard of. There was though a large red leather box with a small latch which he grabbed and flipped open revealing no less than about ten decks of cards. He picked out a deck of white ones with a cool A like symbol on the back and quickly ditched back out to the porch. "Lets have 'em," Altair held out his hand and Desmond deposited the deck into them.

Desmond's grandfather had some wicked card tricks. Apparently he'd been a card shark before he'd met grandma Maria and so his hands were lithe over the cards. He could do some awesome shuffling tricks too, or at least Desmond was impressed. "Just deal the cards already," Desmond bounced in his seat, Altair grinned and flipped the face down row into a perfect line in front of Desmond, then doing his own, then the face-ups, and finally the hand. Desmond grinned evilly at his hand before swapping out with his top row.

Fifteen minutes (and _a lot_ of shit talking) later Desmond had claimed victory. He loved winning. A few games later Malik wandered over and stood over Altair's shoulder. He was there for a few turns before saying, "God damnit Altair play it right!" and whapped him across the back of the head with his remaining arm.

"Fuck you Malik I'll play it however I want," Altair gave him a sour look.

"You're going to _lose_ if you keep making dumb moves private," Malik said.

"I thought I was a novice," Altair sneered.

"Same thing!" and then Malik growled at him in Vietnamese, Altair just grinned dumbly before having to press a hand over his mouth to not laugh.

"Oi, your turn grandpa," Desmond said irritably.

"Right right," and he put down a two. Desmond replied with two kings looking smug about the whole thing since it was a huge pile.

"BULL SHIT!" he yelled when an ace was put down, all he had was a four. The two old men laughed, throwing back their heads and Desmond grudgingly collected the pile sending them both death glares which just made them laugh more and high-five each other. He growled at them.

"You're turn buddy," Altair said smugly, he didn't have a hand and the draw pile was gone.

"I hate you," Desmond glared at him and threw down a full set of threes. Desmond hated threes since they always made him lose, best get rid of them as soon as possible. By the time Desmond had managed to get rid of his gigantic hand the pot had been blown up three different times and Altair had had a hand as well and now it was just down to their bottom row. It was only out of wicked dumb luck that Altair won too and he just smirked at him.

"Again?" Altair was shuffling the cards. Desmond just nodded and Malik sat down on the third side of the table. Before they could play though they heard a car door slam and Desmond could make out that terrible Italian pop music Leo played. "Where the hell have you been brat?" Altair yelled at Ezio as he walked away from the beat up Bug to the porch. Ezio just shrugged, "Don't give me that, where have you been?"

"Went down to the lake," Ezio said and sat down on the wooden porch on the last open side. "What're we playing?"

"Does it matter? You'll still lose," Desmond smirked at him.

Ezio made a face at him, "Shut up twerp," he said.

"Shit," Altair said and flipped the cards in front of each of them. "You know better then to leave without telling me," he added sternly.

"I told Des to tell you," Ezio said chiperishly and rearranged his cards in the most retarded way possible as far as Desmond was concerned.

"What was that you were with?"

"Friend," Ezio said vaguely.

"His music taste is terrible," Malik chimed in.

"Agreed," Desmond drawled.

"Well you're an idiot," he said to Desmond, "And you're… old," Malik sent him a look.

"You don't even know what they're singing about Ezio, unless you suddenly learned how to speak Italian properly," Desmond rolled his eyes as he laid down a pair of sevens. "Which you still suck at."

"Oi," Ezio punched him in the leg, "You better be nicer to me twerp or I won't show you how to do a handstand," Desmond just stuck his tongue at him. Twenty minutes later Desmond had won and had thoroughly screwed Ezio over in the game just to remind him how much he sucked at games.

* * *

Leo's ganna show up eventually guys, don't worry XD


End file.
